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British Petroleum
Drilling - Regulations = Profits!! BP, also known as Big Polluter Biblical Proportion Beyond Petroleum, is a Real American Company British Company who is helping America's Cars to run on American Oil, none of that foreign arab oil or hippie flower power algae/corn. Real Americans need American Oil and BP is here to make sure that we get as much oil as we can until we drown on it Products and Services Oil flavored shrimp Oil flavored crabs Oil flavored fish Oil flavored water Oil flavored turtle soup Oil flavored oysters Oil flavored catfish Oil flavor carcass! Oil flavored oil (with a 100% more oil!) Oil flavored lemonade "Oilinade"!! (Fructose Corn Syrup Free!!!) Pre-packed Oil in Tuna Oil Oil More Oil Oil rig safety equipment more motherfuckin' oil! BP soon to release it's newest product: Oil Flavored Toxic Soup! Now With 30% Less Sodium!! Coming Soon "BP Cares" T-Shirts!! *BP just released a new statement indicating the release of new Oil Flavored products thanks to its new popularity. BP is in the business of providing what the public wants, and they want more oil products now! *Oil Flavored LFP (Louisiana Fried Pelican) Now at 50% OFF! *Oil Flavored Seagulls!! *We are sadden to inform you that Oil Flavored Walrus would be discontinued. *Hottest New Product Released: Gas Flavored Water! *Hawt Oil Flavored Women!! * LIFETIME SPECIAL: SEAFOOD BBQ! GET IT NOW BEFORE IS GONE! Oil Flavored Seasonings! *ON SALE NOW: OIL SOLVENT CEMENT History ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ or █████▋██ ███████ Mineral Management Service ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ oil █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ hookers. █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ cocaine █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ Bin Laden ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ George W. Bush █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ corruption ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ basketball game tickets ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ sex ███████ █████▋██ lobbyist ███████ ███ ██▋▊ █████▋██ Drill, Baby, Drill ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ oil █████ ███████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██▋███▊▊ deregulation ███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ Halliburton ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ Yakuza █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋█████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ favors █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ Exxon ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋ █████ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ ██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ Halliburton ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ or █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ less safety equipment ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊ more profits ███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋█████▋ ███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊██████ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ less environmental concern █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███▊▊███ ██ ██ ▊███████ █████▋ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋███████ █████▋██ ███████ ███ ██▋▊███████ █████▋██ █████▋██ Thus History will remember BP as the safest Oil Company in the planet, and you can trust BP on that! BP's CEO Tony Hayward (aka "Toxic Tony") Tony Hayward is the current CEO of BP is the retired CEO of BP. He has proven to be an awesome CEO over the years and thanks to his radical leadership the company has experienced a period of high profits thanks to his radical money making policies. Unfortunately Hayward has shown signs that he wants to spend more time polluting with his family, he declares that the stress of making too much money is making his life hard and wants to return to a normal and peaceful life. Hayward has done a superb job in winning the hearts and minds of the American people during the Oil Spill Crisis an inevitable accident in the Ocean. Hayward has declared thanks to BP's efforts they have rescued many animals and there is no need to clean up the rest of the oil as it is inconsequential to the natural habitat of Louisiana. He shall be missed Update: 6/7/2010 We are sad to inform you that Mr. Hayward has recently passed away. Tony Hayward was a brilliant CEO and leader of industry. His compassionate and eloquent speeches were the stuff of legends that cemented BP's incredible PR machinery on the American Psyche. According with our CSI investigators Mr. Hayward was murdered by Stephen Colbert's trained seagulls, making him an American Hero suffered a series of unfortunate "accidents" that claimed his life, police does not suspect foul play. On the way to our studio Mr. Hayward accidentally tripped and slammed his balls on Stephen Colbert's foot thus causing a rupture on his ballsacks; with his crotch damaged beyond repair Hayward tried to find his way to Stephen's desk but he made a wrong turn and found himself on our studio stairway, as he tried to turn back he then slipped on a wet floor causing Hayward to fall and crush his body on several steps that damaged several of his bones and his ribs on the stairway, luckily he cushioned his fall with his head; after the fall his head got stuck on a doorway and he "accidentally" slammed the door on his cranium several times causing severe head trauma, an inoperable concussion, and cranial hemorrhage; confused and disoriented he then somehow reached the roof of our studio where he lost his footing and fell from several floors to the street where he shattered the remaining of his bone and snapped his spine-cord; while Mr. Hayward tried to recuperate from the fall (he miraculously survived at this point, but unfortunately by now he was completely paralyzed making him an invalid for life) he was "accidentally" ran over by a car several times (witnesses could not describe the driver but they believe that the run over was accidental). It was still a miracle in itself for Mr. Hayward was still breathing (and suffering from tremendous and extraneous physical pain, excruciating enough that our Medical Examiner suggests that at this point Tony Hayward lost control of his bowels and he involuntarily soiled himself many many many times). Tony's Life & How He Can Get It Back Tony Hayward could have spend the rest of his life and existence as a functioning and healthy quadriplegic thanks to his billions of dollar and the Golden Parachute that he would have received on the coming months after his departure. His daily life and routine would have consisted on being serviced by hot sexy nurses while being strapped to a hospital bed with a feeding and oxygen tube shoved on his nose and throat, he would had enjoyed the best gourmet meals provided by Five Star restaurants (provided in the form of paste) and premium oxygen from the Himalaya's pure air. Tony Hayward's bed would have been made from the best of NASA's space age bedding, simulating the feelings of sleeping on a cloud while wearing adult diapers with an urinary catheter inserted on his bladder (the tube would have been made of silver). To provide extra safety against hippie terrorists, Hayward would had been guarded 24 hours a day and seven days a week by mercenary troops from Blackwater Security Consulting... but it was not to be, for a band of renegade seagulls pecked him to death, they even took his eyes and his false set of "good teeth". The upside of this terrible event is that at least Tony Hayward was not Japanese nor British Petroleum is not actually Japanese Petroleum... his fate could had been worst and televised to shame his ancestors. On memory of Tony Hayward, Stephen Colbert started a foundation "The Tony Hayard Foundation: BP's Great CEO or Gretest CEO Fund" [http://www.nofactzone.net/2010/06/07/donate-to-the-colbert-nation-gulf-of-america-fund/ "The Gulf of America Fund"]. Stephen Colbert has already given his hard earned money to the foundation, if you dont give a cent you will be just like BP, you dont wanna be like BP, do you? Update: Party at Hayward's House! Remember Weekend at Bernie's? Well, the corpse of Tony Hayward has decided to throw a kick ass party to celebrate his golden retirement! Living and non-living creatures (zombies, vampires, etc) are all invited! (except voodoo priestesses and poor fishermen) BP Chairman: Carl-Henric Svanberg America welcomes the Leadership of Swedish BP chairman, Carl-Henric Svanberg, and so far this transition has gone smoothly as if nothing has really changed at all! America sees a great future for this bold Chairman! Just remember to keep away from runaway sea turtles and the seagulls BP's Candidates for CEO With the sad retirement of Tony Hayward, BP is looking for his replacement and they have received potential candidates: *David Vitter, he has the credential of being pro-business and pro-rape nature *Pat Toomey *Lisa Murkowski, She already has [http://thinkprogress.org/2010/06/08/murkowski-flashback-redtape/ a Ménage à trois with Coal and Gas!] *John Boehner, he will help BP save a ton of money! *Michael Bloomberg *Joe Barton, Big Oil's BFF. *God, The Ultimate CEO *Any Tea Bagger candidate is welcome to run our company *Judge Martin "Oil" Feldman Friends of Oil *Planet BP *The Republican Party *Michele Bachmann *Judge Martin Feldman, a GREAT candidate for the Supreme Court Justice *U.S. Senate candidate Mike Lee (R-UT) (The Check is in the mail... new friend) *Rush Limbaugh, he is always welcome to be our New Lord and Master if he wants *Fans of Saddam Hussein! *The People of Destin Beach, Florida *BP Journalists *Sarah Palin, she can drill me and spill me anytime. *Darryl Willis, BP's black friend. *Sharron Angle, I heard she is looking for a threesome with oil and coal. *The Police Department *The Real American Community *Mississippi governor Haley Barbour (R-MS), because no one will protect BP from the commies. *Johnnie Burton *The British Empire *Ron Johnson *Libyans, they just love oil! *Tax Refunds *Our Real American clean up workers and the ladies of wrestling oil The Haters *The Democratic Party *82% of Libural Texans *MSNBC *Welfare Queens *Communist Jesus *Suicidal Fishermen *Lazy People. Get Back to Work! *Bart Stupak *Mother Nature *hungry artists *Mr. Ombudsman, whoever that is. *Democratic Senate *Hurricanes *life *Socialized Medicine *Swimmers *Computer Simulations, they could just press Ctrl + Alt + Del. *Miami *Celebrity Chefs *Welfare Queens *Board Games *Labcoat Larries *Traitors, you know who you are... *Doctors, you know what would help? Make up, that should cover some of that! *ProPublica Journalist Terrorists *Jimmy Buffett, that's slander, Mr Hippie! *Adam Dillon, former U.S. Army Special Operations soldier un-american freedom-hater tree-hugging hippie traitor *NAACP *Lazy fishermen *Leroy Stick, this guy again? *Oliver Stone Frenemy(?) *OSHA *George W. Bush's Friends *NRDA *Texas *ScamWow *Friends *cash-strapped hungry scientists *Photoshop *Windows ME *Texas?! Good News: Planet BP is Newest Truthiness Crusader! *Stephen Colbert luvs u War Crime Accusations There are no War Crimes, those are libural lies! Everyone knows that was an unavoidable accident and accidents happens! Isnt that right, Rond? According with BP's own Judge a Fair and Balance Judge, BP has committed no crime whatsoever. Emergency Update Great News!!! BP just saved the Planet! Where is their Medal of Freedom? Good News!! Thanks to the powers of the Free Market, BP wont have to worry regarding the clean up bill! The American people love Oil so much that this one is on them! Super Emergency Update BP is running out of ideas to stop this massive environmental disaster and it is asking Real Americans to come up with ideas on how to stop the increasing liability, before the flood of lawsuits arrive BP has assured us that they have a bunch of ideas on how to stop the dripping oil, but they decided that instead they wanted to run a contest so that every single American can participate in the rescue effort! You can be a Hero and save The Gulf Coast (and take a share of the liability!) BP's spill contest is bringing the Nation together at it's darkest hour! BP is asking Real Americans to use their gut and their entrepreneurial spirit to come up with an awesomest and creative plan to save America! And if BP chooses your idea you win a free t-shirt and bragging rights! CALL NOW AT: +1 281 366 5511 Before is too late!!! Legal Disclaimer: Under conditions of the contest, BP gets to claim legal rights on taking all the credit of saving America under the penalty of liability. However, if such plan fails to deliver the salvation of the Gulf Coast all liabilities and lawsuits, by the transitive property of congruency, will be transferred to the winner of the contest, therefore making BP forever blameless of the accident. Celebrities That Support BP BP's Bounty of Solutions * Top Hat * Top Kill * Tap Dancing * Censor the media and pretend nothing happened * let Mother Nature sort it out * BP has just stolen bought Kevin Costner's Oil Cleaning Machine * A New Deep Water Horizon to be launched to rescue the rest of the oil * Two Words: Paper Towels * Some stupid libural idea about gas masks * Move operations to a third world country: Alaska * Invest on safety and clean-up operations too expensive, let the free market decide how to save ourselves. * The Chinese used fireworks to scare away evil spirits, we should do the same and scare away the oil monster! * BP to start their own Police force to stop media oil spill. Watch out world, the BP Police is here! Emergency Update *Super Mario saves the day! BP's Exclusive Photo Gallery PR Campaign To Change BP's Image as Polluters BP has suggested to re-brand the Gulf Coast, from hence forth it shall be known as the 'Oilcean', this way people will stop complaining regarding the oil spill in the sea. Instead they should be complaining regarding the the water in our oil! Image:Bphotcleanup.png|This Poor Naked Model Needs a Clean Up, Pronto! Image:Bppeoplecleanup.png|BP cares about our community and has pledge to bring more spills to bring us closer together Image:Bpbadass.jpg|BP is aware to its needs to cater to a more younger demographic Image:Bp_planet.jpg|BP looking to the future Image:Bplifecare.jpg|BP just wants to share its wealth with the rest of Nature Image:Bpnewplanet.jpg|Thanks to BP Now NASA has a new incentive to colonize a new planet, you are welcome Image:Bplubricationocean.jpg|Planet Earth is now a well run oil-machine Map of The Places That BP Hasnt Managed to Stain: They Are Working Hard to Change That BP Cares Twitter Page BP Saves The Planet: The Redux Back by popular demands, plus we wanted a second chance. BP's Hungarian Operations Due to recent events, BP has decided to shut down their operations in Hungary and move them to the US. Hippie Communist Eco-Terrorist News They are gathering... It's a Miracle! After BP cleaning the bill oil spill we received news that a magical oil field has emerged on the gulf. No one knows where the oil came from since BP has already cleaned the oil spill, so this oil has mysterious origins. It is a miracle! Investigation This is an emergency, a gotcha media is going to investigate the BP disaster and release critical information that could hurt our profits... wait, is going to be on PBS?... never mind then. Life After the Spill Now that the press is gone and BP was able to launch a successful PR campaign we can go back to our lives! Look the little peasants are even going to throw a party for us to give us thanks, they are gathering pitchforks and torches for the event. I dont know why would they need those but you know peasants, they are so silly! Updates: Great News! Government finally captures oil spill monster, justice is served! BP Wins 2010 Best Year in Safety Award Good work, guys! Your CEOs will receive the usual bonus this year! 2011 BP still remembers... something... what was it again?... See Also * Clean Coal BP's Official Tubes *Official Spillmeter! *BP Cares Official Site *BP Uses Twitter to show They Care! Now "BP Cares" T-Shirt 50% Off!! *BP Gallery: How to Save BP's image! *BP's PR master, Terry, Joins Twitter! *BP's official Gallery *BPPR: Spilling Our Logo around The Country *Fans of BP sending their love letters to BP *BP finds new CEO, and he is American! BP's Offices * BP America c/o Tony Hayward; 501 Westlake Park Blvd Houston, TX 77079 External Tubes *Terry gives another awesome interview *BP's Spokesman does an interview *BP's Spokesman betrays BP! *Even the oil has its own twitter page! *BP throws a freebie *BP waiting for Obama to bow down to their demands *BP declares "Mission Accomplish" *BP declares spill footage "Company Trade Secrets" *Americans Love BP Cares! *BP cares regarding health concern, which is why Health Care cost will be past to the consumer *BP to release record profits! *un-american traitor soon to be executed under orders by BP our Lord and Master *un-american traitor introduces bill to Punish America's addiction to oil *Welfare Queens demand free money *Obama continues his hatred for America *Destroying the livelihood of fishermen is a patriotic duty, they are marine welfare queen. Smearing BP on the other hand is unamerican *GOP supports BP on its time of need *BP wont tolerate welfare queens stealing their oil *BP to eliminate welfare queens from stealing their hard earned cash *BP Declares Accident a Punishment from God. No Way to Predict *BP helps to bring jobs to local economy, you are welcome *BP blames lazy workers for delayed clean up *BP disputes claims that The Monster Oil is coming *a Great F@cking Idea! *New Orleans loves BP! *Fishermen given new bootstraps *BP defeats that Hippie Bestiality Fish Lover Aquaman! *Good News! Our Profits Are Saved! *BP's CEO Upset That World Hates Him *BP successfully stops un-american welfare queens from stealing our fish *Good News! BP Soon to Experience Managerial Changes *BP to sue lazy worker for defamation *Good News! BP Cannot Be Held Liable! God To Be Sue for All His Worth! *Evil environmentalists refuse to give life back to BP's CEO! *BP sues Mississippi for stealing their oil *Republican endorses Oil Flavor Foodstuffs *CEO to spend more time with his creditors *some lazy welfare queen wasting his time singing. If you have time to play the guitar you have the time to work, now get back to cleaning our beaches! *New study suggests oil safer than toothpaste *You don't go drilling 5000 feet underwater with the tools you want, you do it with the tools you have. *Drill Baby Drill Part II! *Hippie Eco Terrorists to blame for Oil Spill *Vitter Soon to be New CEO of BP *BP weeding out Activist Judges from hearing their case *BP Declares Mission Acomplish...ish *BP's PR machine continues to win the hearts and minds of America *Mooslim Commie Continues to Hate BP's money *BP helping the arts *BP reminds Americans that spill is their responsibility *un-british traitor causes BP's shares to fall *Obama refuses to give Medal of Freedom to BP for saving BP's Shares Gulf Coast *Good News! BP buys Good News!! *BP helps to promote tourism *Welfare Queens continue to steal BP's lunch money *Elitist plumes found on ocean! *BP declares Oil Spill a Natural Disaster. Mother Nature Arrested for Pollution *BP still has fans! *BP blames consumers for irresponsible spills *commie hippies continue their sexual harassment on BP *BP finds new ways to find new profits *BP brings more jobs to the local economy *BP's new add: Let Them Eat Shrimp!" *Good News! America is still addicted to Oil! *BP brings more jobs to our Robot Overlords *BP to change their accent to sound more American *How BP will save its shareholders *BP declares special Ad will be created for Gulf Market *BP to bring more oil to America! *BP's aggressive PR campaign is working! *BP discovers hippie trap and gotcha journalism! *BP supports Socialist Collective Responsibility, demands tax payers to pay for their misguided mistake *BP declares all claims not truthi or legitimate enough *The End of Times: America to use Beer to Appease Oil Monster *BP chases away un-american traitor *BP solves the Illegals problem *BP's internal memos shows real culprit, Terrorist Pigs! *Great Britain demands gulf coast to Apologize to BP or they will get no more oil *Welfare Queens stealing BP's shares!!! *GOP still loves BP Oil, no matter what *BP sues history for slander *Anti-british sentiment continues, Racism will destroy BP!!! *BP to move its operations to Utah *Clean Energy will cause more deaths than oil spill *BP call center hits milestone: 500,000 calls! *BP to move all operations to third world countries *BP to open a pelican sanctuary *BP to rename company: Hobbiton Petroleum *Series of Tubes Predicts Oil Spill *BP using all of its resources to avoid hostile takeover *Factonistas attempt to overrun BP *Tony Hayward suffering from Racial Discrimination *TED demands more oil!! *BP and Other Oil Companies Join Forces to Fight Off Hippie Congress *BP to ask Goldman Sachs Help Them to Cook Their Credit Rating *Exxon Betrays BP!!! Those Bastards!!! *Renegade American threatens CEO's life! *BP to drill Rockies to stop oil gushing *Great ideas to stop the oil spill! *Your Oil Spill Are Belong to Us *Joe Biden bullies BP to give up their lunch money *is Official! BP to rebrand and rename to Baby Otter Smiles and Company *New Evidence Suggests Fureigners Destroyed Gulf *Tony Hayward to prepare his speaking tour *Joe Biden continues his bullying ways against Oil *Leave BP Alone! They are our only Hope! *BP declares Oil Spill a form of Bailout for The Gulf Coast, You Are Welcome! *BP CEO to get his life back, finally! *Betrayal! Un-american traitors backstabs BP! *Tony Hayward to Sail the Seven Seas to Find Real Culprits of The Oil Spill *BP Successfully Stop Leaks on Series of Tubes! *BP avoids Bankruptcy, Mob-President Shows Compassion *Mysterious Illness Invades Louisiana: BP Suspect Hippies *Tony Hayward cancels gotcha journalism dinner *Planet Earth haz never looked so beautiful with oil *BP just created a new Tourist Attraction! You Are Welcome *BP accepts apology *BP calls for the end of Redistribution of Wealth *Tea party favorite to buy more oil *BP to rename company: Bumping Oil *Good News: BP Spill the greatest thing to happen to America! *Emergency: Obama to take over BP!!! *Gas flavor water found on Pennsylvania *BP gives thanks to Tea Baggers their beloved fans *BP running out of money!!!! *BP #1!!! *Mana from Heaven reaches Texas *Libural media continues to be a threat on the Gulf Coast *Tony Hayward and George W Bush have a lot in common! *Lazy workers refuse to work *Corporations are people, therefore they possess the same rights as people... except Lindsay Lohan. She is a libural whore *Obama will bankrupt BP!!! *Great Lakes is still Oil Free! *BP Truthers demand the truthiness! *Cheap-ass equipment fails again *The sekret marriage between BP and Libya! *Scientists are commies! They hate free money! *BP opens new science positions this morning! *BP forced to sell their furniture *BP: No, really. The check is in the mail! *Tony Hayward to get his life back but still emotionally betrayed *BP welcome Chinese Overlords *Is Mother Nature's fault that sea life dont know how to swim *BP wont rest until they find the real Spiller! *Precious Oil now hidden by Mother Nature *Communist Hippies trying to bring down Big Oil *BP takes restraining order against harassing tree-hugging hippie *BP winning war against nature *BP disputes lie: Only the poor pays rent *BP on food stamps *Welfare Queen demands free money, again!!!! *How Tony Hayward got his groove back *BP awards bonuses for oil spill: greatest gig of the century! NOTES Big Oil buys Berkeley